so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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