Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
