Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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