just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
