I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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