and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
