you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
