Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
