we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
