I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
