Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
