Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
