The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
