I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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