EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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