When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize