i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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