Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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