i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
