The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I am available for nakedness
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
