I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize