some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
