My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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