I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Randomize
