I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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