i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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