I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do vagina's smell?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
