OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
