I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
