I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
