haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
