i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
