woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
