I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
