I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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