Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
