I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
