So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
