What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
