if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
