i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
