I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
