You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize