fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
