I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
