Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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