just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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