Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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