To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
