i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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