you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
