I want to make a zoo with you.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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