no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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