she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
