He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
