can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
