I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
