True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
