i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize