im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
